An Understanding of Life

 amandataylorphoto 

I recently went though an experience that I will treasure for the rest of my life, yet wish that I never have to witness again. It's a strange thing to watch someone during the final days of ones mortal life. This gift we have been given is a wonderful and miraculous thing. It's never guaranteed & can easily be taken away. No one knows for sure the thoughts, feelings or experiences when death comes knocking at your door, but if you have prepared, you shall not fear.

At first I was angry. I love my grandmother very much and couldn't imagine life without her. She has been there my entire life, supporting & taking care of me, making sure that life treated me well and that I was able to accomplish everything I wanted. She is the most unselfish person I know followed by my mother. I remember times when we were sick, grandma would rush to our sides and make sure we had plenty to eat or drink, even if we didn't necessarily want it. She would always drop everything she was doing to bring me something I forgot at home to school  or pick us up when we had no ride.

As I spent the past week watching her lie there in a bed, unable to walk, move or take care of herself. Unable to communicate clearly with beloved family members, I realized how important Freedom & Independence are to each of us, but most importantly, how important Agency or the gift of choice is in our eternal plan. I wanted so much to "make" her get better. I thought all we needed to do was make sure the essential life giving elements are applied and things will work out, she will get better. I soon realized how selfish that is of me, to want to "make" my grandmother "get better". It's really her choice, not mine. The same thing happened in our pre-earth life, when the great plan of happiness was laid before us. Lucifer wanted to "make" everyone return to live with our father again. Christ wanted to give us the "choice". It was understood that without a choice, we wouldn't be able to gain the experiences we needed here in this life to become like our father & so the battle was won. Agency survived and Lucifer and his followers were cast out. The first 'choice'. So for me to say 'no grandma, you can't leave me' is in essence trying to take away her agency.

It's painful to watch someone you love so much leave this frail existence. Especially when it was grandma who taught me about the concept of death as each of my cats passed on. I can still remember the yellow dish glove she used for the glove/hand analogy. I've been to many funerals and seen death in my life, but never this close to my heart. You never can imagine such a thing happening in your own family. Life just seems as though it will go on forever, & it will, just not as we know it.  I have come to understand that it's time to let my grandmother go to be with my grandfather & continue her mission on the other side. They've been separated for many years as well as my grandmother's family has all passed on. She is the oldest sibling and the only one still living. When I think about what it would be like to live so many years without my current family or my future wife, I can begin to understand what might compel someone of years to make such a choice, no matter how much they love their posterity. Age, Loss, & Disease all play a part in the culminating result.

As I left yesterday morning to return to Utah, knowing it would probably be the last time I see my grandmother in this life, my heart felt heavy. It ached, begged and pleaded for me to stay but I had to go. As much as I'm going to miss her, I know things will be ok. Life will go on & she will be happier. The lord knows what's best for all his children.

We will one day meet again.

At a CrossRoads- Is it Real?

So it's been awhile since I last wrote, but my life seems to be so very busy these days. There have been so many thoughts running through my mind the past few months, but one seems to remain constant.  I recently met this girl, who I didn't really notice right away. As time went on, we became good friends. She's smart, attractive & a good listener. She's full of surprising qualities...I finally realized the value in our relationship and have since been dating my good-friend. We've been through a lot of ups and downs but what relationship doesn't have those. My Crossroads lies in the future; be it near or far... I'm not a Psychic no matter how hard I try sometimes, so I really don't know where our paths are headed, however, I've enjoyed the road thus far. There are so many questions to answer, so many ideas to consider; sometimes it seems relationships are just plain complicated. It's a wonder two people ever make it work. A good friend of mine said "You seem to be a lot happier since you met her" and in reality he is right. She does have a way of making me smile, even when I just want to have a 'bad day'. So then comes the question... Is this the 'real deal'?

To be honest, I don't know.  That's what I've spent most of my time trying to figure out. Sure Hollywood has it's versions and it makes one think that in order to be 'right' it has to be a whirlwind romance type of relationship, yet I don't feel like that. In fact it feels slow and progressive. I don't feel "the can't eat, can't sleep, over the fence type of stuff" I just enjoy being with her, it just seems to make sense. Others will talk about 'Attraction' and all the physical manifestations of it. Sure I'm so-called 'attracted' but I don't feel as though I have to constantly touch to be happy. Touching is good but in fact I enjoy some space too. So what does it mean to be in the 'real thing'? If everything our society tells us about relationships isn't it? No ones perfect, physically or otherwise... well at least not yet. That's what eternal progression is for. So then how do you know? Church leaders say two 'gospel centered' people who are genuinely interested in each others well being, are selfless, & on the same path can make it work. I don't want to just 'make it work' I want it to be the best thing I've ever experienced, Life Changing. I recently read that Love means Work;  that you have to get up each day and serve the one you 'love', reaffirming your admonitions for each other. It's a gradual process. No day is perfect & there may be times where it's hard and you plain just don't feel like it, but supposedly if you have that commitment inside to persevere then 'love' will come progressively, one step at a time.

So I don't know what it is... Am I afraid of what this could be? If not, then why do I have all these excuses running though my mind... finding every fault it can to convince me otherwise. There are days I feel like I'm on top of the world & everything is great, then the next I haven't got a clue & I'm confused as ever. I used to think there was just one person for each of us in this world, but I'm beginning to see this isn't true. For once was lost can be found again.

So tell me, how does one know when 'it is real'?

The Path

Have you ever felt as if you wanted to do something you knew was totally out of character but you didn’t care?

Have you ever felt completely empty inside?

The feeling that leaves you wondering which way is up and which is down. You don’t know what to do, how to react or even where to go. Thoughts begin to flood your mind leaving you vulnerable, open to temptations, not knowing where the origins are coming from, weather it be good or bad.

Recently I’ve been trying to figure out a lot of things about my life. From career to relationships to spirituality, it’s all a part of who I am. I can’t deny that the experiences I’ve had and the people I’ve met have brought me to the point I am at today, both for the positive and negative. Yet somehow today I feel completely empty. No idea where to go, or what to do. There are so many good things and people in my life and so many good directions I could go; but I can’t seem to shake this feeling. The feeling I might make a mistake or settle for something I shouldn’t. I thought I wanted to be an Art Director for a publishing company & that still might be a worthy goal, yet after some study and discussion with professionals it’s beginning to seem like not necessarily the wrong path to take, but possibly not the best one. I’ve come to find I’m more suited as a designer not a manager.

So what do you do? How do we answer these life altering questions?

Some have said to rely upon the heavenly sources we’re so greatly blessed to have. Don’t get me wrong I trust my savior and know that he will help me, but for some reason I just can’t seem to get myself out of the darkness that seems to consume. Others have said patience is the key, just wait and ‘only time will tell’. Yes, I believe this too, however, I can’t just sit and wait for things to fall out of the sky. The path is straight, it is narrow, this path that leads us home to our heavenly parents, yet no one ever said it would be easy and it definitely is not! It seems the older I get the more complex and complicated things get. I will admit there are times I wish I could go back, back to the time when life made sense and it was simpler. I guess it’s a part of growing up; there must be growing pains in every stage.

Yet, is it too much to ask for a little help? and direction?

So I've been on YouTube lately and surprisingly enough there are quite a few good artists out there. If you like rap/hip hop but you don't like all the dirty lyrics... check this guy out! Mars is starting a new trend...



I chose this video because I found it funny yet so true. In our society today texting is a prevalent concern especially in the world of dating. There literally are romances that exist purely through text.


Here's the other video I found interesting. You'll see why , Check it out!




Check out his other videos

Why does nothing go the way it should?

Well really the way we think it should, right... This past month has been one of the most trying times in my life. Everything that could go wrong, has, and everything else just follows along. Nothing seems to work the way I think it should. Some days I feel like just giving up! Each time this happens I wonder what am I exactly giving up? With each passing day, I make it one step up the ladder only to find I'm actually two steps down.

Of course, as usual the dating scene weighs heavily on my mind. I continue to meet very sweet, attractive women yet 'that one' I'm searching for still seems to evade me. I recently had to break off a very good thing, because after serious reflection it just didn't seem right. I never imagined it would be this hard. She is a great person and it really hurt me knowing I had to hurt her. When I was younger I always thought there was some kind of magic that the returned missionaries had on young women. It just seemed like that's how it worked. Go on a mission, marry a beautiful woman... that dream has begun to fade as reality sinks it's teeth into me. Bringing two people together is not easy, yet it's still a commandment from the lord. The adversary would have us believe, it's not that important, that we don't need to get married. Well if that happens the source of our eternal happiness goes with it. No marriage = no family and no purpose for life. So what is the solution?

Where is the one? and why is she causing me so much frustration?

I've dreamed about her since I was a young boy. Hoping one day to meet this person and accomplish all we're meant to do. Yet somehow I can't bring her into my reality, no matter how much I want or try to do so.

Dating isn't the only scene that's going wrong this time. I've enrolled back in school and I thought it would be easy because I enjoy learning about the graphic arts... I was wrong! Ever since I started that program, a plethora of other problems emerged. I can't seem to stay caught up on the assignments & manage my time effectively. My work seems to demand more and more, not to mention mechanical issues with my vehicle and computer and so forth. I'm beginning to wonder... Really? nothing I do seems to fix the issues at hand or even console my frizzed out feelings. I contemplate finding a way to numb the effects of this storm I call a life, but nothing comes to mind.

I know this is what we've all learned to call LIFE... nothing ever really seems to go right and there is nothing to do except enjoy the ride. It will all work out in the end, keep on keeping on.

How do you define a Life?

I recently heard about a 26 year-old young woman, married less than a year, and living life. It seemed to be the beginning of a beautiful future. She recently passed away.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I believe that each day is a gift from a loving father above and that no one is promised tomorrow. God is aware of each person upon this earth and even though one’s life may seem to be cut short, he does have a plan. There is a plan to life. This fast paced world consists of business meetings, activities, joy, heartache and lots of individual experiences. In all of the things that occupy our time, what is our real purpose?

We know that a spirit and a body make up our soul. Our bodies were created when we were born into this life, known as our birthday. I believe our spirit existed before but for how long no one knows. In the doctrines of the gospel we learn of something called the plan of salvation. It talks about three stages of life: pre, earth and after. It’s a plan that was created in our pre-lives to help us reach our full potential and become more like the father of our spirits. Here on Earth we are prone to sickness, disease and all manner of affliction. All these things give us experience so that we may learn, but this is only a part of life which helps us to realize its true purpose.

Life is about the little things, those dear moments that bring us great joy. The love of a mother, the laugh of a child, family, friends and acquaintances all play a part. The relationships we have and create are really what matters. Life is about the mastering of our souls as we become better individuals through service, sacrifice and love. After all is said and done we can take comfort in the fact that we will get to see our loved ones again.

Elder L. Tom Perry, member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of the LDS church has said “Life on earth is of limited duration. There comes a time for all of us when the spirit and the body are separated in death. But because of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, we will all be resurrected... Immortality is the gift to every mortal child of our Father in Heaven. Death must be viewed as a portal to a new and better life.”

Age is just a number but somehow we seem to feel more sadness when a younger person is taken rather than one well of years. Thinking about how short life can be and what the meaning of it is causes one to reflect upon this question: What would you write in your own obituary?

Here’s how I would want mine to read:

James C. Saunders, born September 20, 1983 in Carlsbad, New Mexico. Died July 2010 at Provo, Utah. Caring friend and loving brother. A faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. James served a mission for the Church in Riverside, California. In recent years he attended Brigham Young University and recently graduated in Communications. James was known for his honesty, integrity, and sense of right. He was a dependable and a hard worker. He had a passion for culture and a love of art. He often said in later years that his greatest joys in life were spending time with family and friends. Although not married he will be remembered by others as one who was willing to listen, love and serve his fellow man. He is survived by his two brothers, mother & father, several cousins, aunts and uncles. Services will be held Saturday at 2PM at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Carlsbad, NM and will be presided over by Bishop John D. VandeKraats.

Think about it...

Love & Basketball

Love is like sports. I am not a big sports fan overall but the theories are the same. Take basketball for instance, the whole point is to put a ball into a hoop and ‘make the basket’.

How hard is it to simply make a basket? All you have to do is throw a ball in the air and have it land in a hole right?

I spent some time the other day practicing this skill and realized it’s not as easy as the pros or even college players convince us it is. There are those who possess talent and are able to swish every time with little or no effort, then there are those of us like myself who can shoot and shoot and never seem to quite hit the target. Either we’re off by a few inches and sometimes a mile. Maybe there’s not enough arc or force behind the shot. Whatever the case may be, we just can’t seem to reach our goal.

There are people out there who somehow find ‘the one’ almost without trying. It seems like a fairytale, they just meet, fall in love and the rest is history. Others date and date, searching, hoping, and praying that they can find this person. Sometimes is seems to ‘swish’ yet somehow the ball never quite makes it in.

I don’t believe in soul mates but there is something about that feeling. The feeling you get when you can’t wait to see her again or hear her voice even if it’s just to say hello. The way your heart skips a beat every time she walks through the door or the smell of her perfume on a warm summer’s night as you sit by the water and talk. The touch of her hand, the warmth of her hugs and the strength of her smile just seem to get you from the inside out. Knowing that she’ll be there for you no matter how bad you mess things up. Mostly it’s that feeling of wanting to be a better person.

For those who find what they’re looking for quickly, congratulations, for those of us who are still looking, don’t give up. 

Eventually you’ll make the basket.