An Understanding of Life

 amandataylorphoto 

I recently went though an experience that I will treasure for the rest of my life, yet wish that I never have to witness again. It's a strange thing to watch someone during the final days of ones mortal life. This gift we have been given is a wonderful and miraculous thing. It's never guaranteed & can easily be taken away. No one knows for sure the thoughts, feelings or experiences when death comes knocking at your door, but if you have prepared, you shall not fear.

At first I was angry. I love my grandmother very much and couldn't imagine life without her. She has been there my entire life, supporting & taking care of me, making sure that life treated me well and that I was able to accomplish everything I wanted. She is the most unselfish person I know followed by my mother. I remember times when we were sick, grandma would rush to our sides and make sure we had plenty to eat or drink, even if we didn't necessarily want it. She would always drop everything she was doing to bring me something I forgot at home to school  or pick us up when we had no ride.

As I spent the past week watching her lie there in a bed, unable to walk, move or take care of herself. Unable to communicate clearly with beloved family members, I realized how important Freedom & Independence are to each of us, but most importantly, how important Agency or the gift of choice is in our eternal plan. I wanted so much to "make" her get better. I thought all we needed to do was make sure the essential life giving elements are applied and things will work out, she will get better. I soon realized how selfish that is of me, to want to "make" my grandmother "get better". It's really her choice, not mine. The same thing happened in our pre-earth life, when the great plan of happiness was laid before us. Lucifer wanted to "make" everyone return to live with our father again. Christ wanted to give us the "choice". It was understood that without a choice, we wouldn't be able to gain the experiences we needed here in this life to become like our father & so the battle was won. Agency survived and Lucifer and his followers were cast out. The first 'choice'. So for me to say 'no grandma, you can't leave me' is in essence trying to take away her agency.

It's painful to watch someone you love so much leave this frail existence. Especially when it was grandma who taught me about the concept of death as each of my cats passed on. I can still remember the yellow dish glove she used for the glove/hand analogy. I've been to many funerals and seen death in my life, but never this close to my heart. You never can imagine such a thing happening in your own family. Life just seems as though it will go on forever, & it will, just not as we know it.  I have come to understand that it's time to let my grandmother go to be with my grandfather & continue her mission on the other side. They've been separated for many years as well as my grandmother's family has all passed on. She is the oldest sibling and the only one still living. When I think about what it would be like to live so many years without my current family or my future wife, I can begin to understand what might compel someone of years to make such a choice, no matter how much they love their posterity. Age, Loss, & Disease all play a part in the culminating result.

As I left yesterday morning to return to Utah, knowing it would probably be the last time I see my grandmother in this life, my heart felt heavy. It ached, begged and pleaded for me to stay but I had to go. As much as I'm going to miss her, I know things will be ok. Life will go on & she will be happier. The lord knows what's best for all his children.

We will one day meet again.