Individual Duality

Do you remember Smeagol from Lord of the Rings?

Well he had an alternate personality, his natural man,Gollum. Gollum was wild, sensual & greedy. He wanted it all, & he wanted it now. Smeagol had a hard time controlling Gollum, keeping him in check to do the right thing. Well we all know what happened to him, Gollum  got the best of him and he was destroyed with the ring.

We all have a Gollum inside us, crying to get out. The world is full of "natural man" tendencies. Rebellion, Greed, Lust. It's that urge to do something crazy just for the heck of it. It tells you "you'll be free" to do what you want, whenever you want. We all have that urge to be "FREE". We want what we want no matter the cost.

Yet there is a ruling force in the universe that helps us keep this guy in check. It's called our conscious. He tells us what's right and what's wrong thus helping us to control our natural desires and tendencies. Not necessarily forever as some are not all bad just need to be expressed in the right context.

Lately I've been feeling this pressure from the inside. It feels like I'm living in a video game and that this isn't 'real life'. That one day I'll wake up to find this "freedom". The day I finally quit suppressing, avoiding, ignoring and start living the way I've always wanted to. It feels like no matter what happens right now, it's not permanent. Have you ever felt like just going crazy? Doing things you wouldn't normally do only to experience the rush irregardless of the consequences good or bad.

Our duality is also expressed in James Cameron's Avatar, however slightly different. It's not as focused on good and bad choices or desires as it is individuality and finding one's true self. Jake Sully is a human who finds himself in a science experiment in efforts to make contact with an alien race. The concept is you can physically connect to an "avatar" body and virtually live inside it as your own as long as your host or original self stays in tact. Jake begins his journey of self discovery as he enters his new body and begins to live that life during the day and his old self at night. He eventually wonders which one is the 'true reality'. He eventually leaves his old life and finds himself engulfed in the one he has learned to love the most, his avatar.

I too have felt torn or split as you will or physically connected to another life. It goes back to that inner person the one who dreams of doing things and being someone else, wanting so badly to take control. Yet I suppress my I.D. or inner desires striving to live in what I consider to be 'my reality'. I reality I think I have control but quickly find I don't. Sometimes it seems I can't do anything the way I think it should be or overcome any obstacles. Therefore, I feel trapped in a video game like world hopping and waiting for my other life or even a way out. Thinking that nothing will ever change and that if something sad happens I can just restart the level and everything will be okay again.  Time will just go on forever.

These I.D.'s lead my natural man to want to get out and explore the world around him and sometimes it's hard in this duality to keep him in line and under control. Questions go unanswered, problems are on the rise and stress seems to be a daily occurrence. People change, loved ones leave, some friends stay and some friends go. Life is ever changing & seems to be a fight within ones self. There was a choice in the beginning and there's a choice now. The things we do and say effect the path we take and the places we go, the people we meet & the life we live and eventually the life we will live later. So what's the answer? How do we live the life we desire inside and allow our inner desires to take fight while still maintaing control of our natural man?

An Understanding of Life

 amandataylorphoto 

I recently went though an experience that I will treasure for the rest of my life, yet wish that I never have to witness again. It's a strange thing to watch someone during the final days of ones mortal life. This gift we have been given is a wonderful and miraculous thing. It's never guaranteed & can easily be taken away. No one knows for sure the thoughts, feelings or experiences when death comes knocking at your door, but if you have prepared, you shall not fear.

At first I was angry. I love my grandmother very much and couldn't imagine life without her. She has been there my entire life, supporting & taking care of me, making sure that life treated me well and that I was able to accomplish everything I wanted. She is the most unselfish person I know followed by my mother. I remember times when we were sick, grandma would rush to our sides and make sure we had plenty to eat or drink, even if we didn't necessarily want it. She would always drop everything she was doing to bring me something I forgot at home to school  or pick us up when we had no ride.

As I spent the past week watching her lie there in a bed, unable to walk, move or take care of herself. Unable to communicate clearly with beloved family members, I realized how important Freedom & Independence are to each of us, but most importantly, how important Agency or the gift of choice is in our eternal plan. I wanted so much to "make" her get better. I thought all we needed to do was make sure the essential life giving elements are applied and things will work out, she will get better. I soon realized how selfish that is of me, to want to "make" my grandmother "get better". It's really her choice, not mine. The same thing happened in our pre-earth life, when the great plan of happiness was laid before us. Lucifer wanted to "make" everyone return to live with our father again. Christ wanted to give us the "choice". It was understood that without a choice, we wouldn't be able to gain the experiences we needed here in this life to become like our father & so the battle was won. Agency survived and Lucifer and his followers were cast out. The first 'choice'. So for me to say 'no grandma, you can't leave me' is in essence trying to take away her agency.

It's painful to watch someone you love so much leave this frail existence. Especially when it was grandma who taught me about the concept of death as each of my cats passed on. I can still remember the yellow dish glove she used for the glove/hand analogy. I've been to many funerals and seen death in my life, but never this close to my heart. You never can imagine such a thing happening in your own family. Life just seems as though it will go on forever, & it will, just not as we know it.  I have come to understand that it's time to let my grandmother go to be with my grandfather & continue her mission on the other side. They've been separated for many years as well as my grandmother's family has all passed on. She is the oldest sibling and the only one still living. When I think about what it would be like to live so many years without my current family or my future wife, I can begin to understand what might compel someone of years to make such a choice, no matter how much they love their posterity. Age, Loss, & Disease all play a part in the culminating result.

As I left yesterday morning to return to Utah, knowing it would probably be the last time I see my grandmother in this life, my heart felt heavy. It ached, begged and pleaded for me to stay but I had to go. As much as I'm going to miss her, I know things will be ok. Life will go on & she will be happier. The lord knows what's best for all his children.

We will one day meet again.

At a CrossRoads- Is it Real?

So it's been awhile since I last wrote, but my life seems to be so very busy these days. There have been so many thoughts running through my mind the past few months, but one seems to remain constant.  I recently met this girl, who I didn't really notice right away. As time went on, we became good friends. She's smart, attractive & a good listener. She's full of surprising qualities...I finally realized the value in our relationship and have since been dating my good-friend. We've been through a lot of ups and downs but what relationship doesn't have those. My Crossroads lies in the future; be it near or far... I'm not a Psychic no matter how hard I try sometimes, so I really don't know where our paths are headed, however, I've enjoyed the road thus far. There are so many questions to answer, so many ideas to consider; sometimes it seems relationships are just plain complicated. It's a wonder two people ever make it work. A good friend of mine said "You seem to be a lot happier since you met her" and in reality he is right. She does have a way of making me smile, even when I just want to have a 'bad day'. So then comes the question... Is this the 'real deal'?

To be honest, I don't know.  That's what I've spent most of my time trying to figure out. Sure Hollywood has it's versions and it makes one think that in order to be 'right' it has to be a whirlwind romance type of relationship, yet I don't feel like that. In fact it feels slow and progressive. I don't feel "the can't eat, can't sleep, over the fence type of stuff" I just enjoy being with her, it just seems to make sense. Others will talk about 'Attraction' and all the physical manifestations of it. Sure I'm so-called 'attracted' but I don't feel as though I have to constantly touch to be happy. Touching is good but in fact I enjoy some space too. So what does it mean to be in the 'real thing'? If everything our society tells us about relationships isn't it? No ones perfect, physically or otherwise... well at least not yet. That's what eternal progression is for. So then how do you know? Church leaders say two 'gospel centered' people who are genuinely interested in each others well being, are selfless, & on the same path can make it work. I don't want to just 'make it work' I want it to be the best thing I've ever experienced, Life Changing. I recently read that Love means Work;  that you have to get up each day and serve the one you 'love', reaffirming your admonitions for each other. It's a gradual process. No day is perfect & there may be times where it's hard and you plain just don't feel like it, but supposedly if you have that commitment inside to persevere then 'love' will come progressively, one step at a time.

So I don't know what it is... Am I afraid of what this could be? If not, then why do I have all these excuses running though my mind... finding every fault it can to convince me otherwise. There are days I feel like I'm on top of the world & everything is great, then the next I haven't got a clue & I'm confused as ever. I used to think there was just one person for each of us in this world, but I'm beginning to see this isn't true. For once was lost can be found again.

So tell me, how does one know when 'it is real'?